The Life That I Live, The Life That I Want

Ever had this thought, ever been ungrateful for the life you have. I know it sounds weird and absurd, the moral police will just jump in to say “There are so many who do not even have the privilege of the life you have”. But this does not pacify me a bit, I don’t know probably I am just plain selfish and mean. I am all up for charities and social work but I keep myself first and then think of others. Does that make me a bad person. The silly part is that the answer to this question does not make a difference to me, I really don’t think it makes a difference to me. It astounds me at times to think that I am so self-centered but I guess that’s just the way I am.

I was raised as being the perfect child of the family that I was absolutely not, till today after even being a mother of a beautiful girl I am caught in the tangles of a family life and personal life. I am not conditioned that way, is it so bad to want something for yourself. I am not anti-family, if that is what I am sounding like, I know and believe family is the most important thing, before even money. But I cant make everyone happy, because in the process of doing so I am loosing myself. Even today I am obliged to listen to my parents and work according to their wishes because I don’t want to annoy them, after all they have raised me, I am what I am today because of them. But there is this bleak line between growing up and still being a child where you can find me.

I grew very ambitiously and was in the habit of looking at people higher than where I was, I aspired to have a life like theirs, whereas my family suggested to look at those below us and appreciate what I have. I could not do that, I appreciate what I have, but what could be wrong to want something better and more.

At times its hard to figure out what I want, but one thing I am pretty sure of, that I am not a very big fan of the shoes I am currently in, I want more out of life, much much more. Perhaps, someday I will sit down and wonder and want the simple pleasures of life and regret my outlandish demands. But right now I am happy and adamant for what I want and for some absurd reason all this seems right. When the day comes, if and when I regret it, I will take it in my stride but right now, Just let me be the stubborn little pain in the ass I am….

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