“Oh we are going to Basel next month”, I hear one of my relatives tell me, and with a smile on my face I mutter, “That’s great”. But my mind is speaking something else, “What did she just say, omg, bang me against the wall somebody please”. And I calm myself prepare another cup of tea for this suddenly turned annoying relative as she blabbers something about her preparation for the trip, places she would visit, blah blah blah is all I hear.
So this is me, I get so affected and influenced with what people are doing that the irritability alarm in my system is switched on, in times like these trust me, maintaining a feet distance from me is most advisable. Acceptance comes really hard to me; I mean just that if I see someone living the life I wanted to live it shatters me to bits for atleast two days. And invariably I regret after two days for wasting my time, fretting over something so inconsequential and not living and enjoying the moment that is now. Huh !!
It is not that I don’t have a life, I have a wonderful one, a comfortable one, not the luxurious one, not now, but someday yes surely even luxury would fall on my platter. But when somebody else gets that perfect job, perfect house, perfect lifestyle, like perfect everything, I am torn. So you understand I am not that “Seeing everyone happy makes me happy types”. Somebody does something extraordinary I am automatically turned to “Competitive mode”. I work by the simple funda “Why him not me”. And I slog and slog and slog till I have achieved it, and at that very moment after a two minute triumph, I feel deflated, pondering “Was it worth it”. I don’t think through completely. And my husband, where do I even start, he is the most laid back person, my total opposite; he for one would never understand my competitive and obsessive streak.
I want to appreciate things, as much as I have, right now and not fret about more, want to be like the serene ascetic monk who gives away all, appreciate life the way it is, make today count. I don’t want to look at other people’s life and go “Awwwww” but be happy in my simple life. But trust me it is not me. Take out the competitive streak out of me and I am a dull, boring, vapid, insipid creation of god. I cannot live like that and am I wrong?
So I want to believe that this is not an illness just a stupid flu bug that comes and goes, but trust me when it does come, it creeps through my body and keeps pinching me every second. I have tried a lot to mellow this absolutely useless, merciless, covetous, not malicious, but irritating and at times nauseating trait of mine. I am not completely proud of it but yes it gives my character, the fuel to go on and never stop, it keeps in the game always. I want to believe it is natural, that many feel this way, that I am not a B***H here all together. So please if anyone feels this way share it with me so I can feel less guilty ;). (Though secretly I am proud of it).